Abyss

Heighten sense of touch.
Do you feel that?
Is the pain deep enough?
It hurts too much to hear your voice.
This plum reminds me of your lips.
So moist.
I feel numb when my memories of you fade.
But never completely go away.
Always returning stronger each and every day.
What can I do to shake this obsession?
Maybe see you one more time.
Feel another one of your rejections.
So many of those that my mind has a collection.
Still remind myself of the good times we shared.
The bad times on the back burner.
I never really cared.
Who reminisces on those anyway?
Those three words I want to hear you say.
Let those be something worthwhile.
Those words will never leave your lips.
I know that isn't your style.
But can I at least get a kiss?
Wishful thinking as my mind falls deeper...
Within this endless black hole of an abyss.

Blood Lust

Grabbing the bottle of alcohol,
Razors and a towel again.
Could it just be me
Who thinks this is
The best way to get rid of the pain?
Exchanging one pain for the next.
My therapist says I'm normal.
What defines that?
Maybe I'm normal because
I keep telling him what he wants to hear.
I don't tell him how I really feel.
All because of fear.

Why doesn't she call?
She doesn't even recognize me anymore.
Don't ignore me!!!
I know you hear me.
I SAID I KNOW YOU HEAR ME!
Why do you fear me?
Is it because I'm slightly off my rocker?
Am I crazy?
You know you want to say that.
Am I fat!?!
Do I no longer possess
The qualities you desire in a man?
What the fuck were they to begin with?
I don't even think you know!
Fuck it.

All these questions come
To my head as I look into the bathroom mirror.
Razors and alcohol help to make it clearer.
I love the pleasure I get from the pain.
Just afraid to cut too deep.
While dropping these jeans down,
Couldn't help but keep thinking.
This pain is running deep.
The tears flowing like rain.
Knowing you shall never love me again.
The pulses in my brain are real.
The shaking and nervousness
To get rid of it is real.
Looking at my inner thigh.
Looking at all the cuts before these.
Opening up old wounds hoping they shall never heal.

With this razor I cut.
Help me stop thinking
About that fucking slut.
With this razor I slash.
Fuck that bitch,
I need to put that shit in the past...
Feeling temporarily paralyzed.
Oh the rush of...
It's getting closer.
I can only think of one thing now.
How to stop the bleeding.
Grab the alcohol you idiot.
Dropping to the floor.
The blood won't stop.
The pain I need some more.
Pausing...
Getting a grip of what was done.
Reaching out for that damn alcohol.
I need that sting.
I need that for this fucking bleeding.

The calm cool feeling
From the alcohol soothes the wound.
Yet it stings.
Yes, for this moment in my life.
I forget.
I forget why I did this.
All that is on the mind
Is how to stop the bleeding.
Will anyone find out?
God I hope not.
Let this be my secret.
No one needs to know what's wrong with me.
I think I went too deep.
Hoping I don't need surgery.
It might need stitches.
Did the razor hit an artery?
Maybe something major?

Laying on the cold, cold bathroom floor.
The pain is bearable and actually feels good.
Fetal position for a moment, while I catch my breath.
Fuck that bitch, this is the only pain
I want to feel that is next to death.
Maybe I'll call her.
Maybe she'll forgive me.
Reaching for the razor again
Because the bleeding stopped.
Once again on the left inner thigh.
Argh, that shit really fuckin hurt.
Why?
Stop that shit.
The blood begins to spurt.
What did I hit?
Throw some more alcohol on it.
Maybe it'll stop the bleeding.
In my own pool of blood,
Hoping to stop my bleeding heart.
Bleed that shit out.
Bleed that shit out!
BLEED THAT SHIT OUT!!!

Leaving the scene as if nothing happened.
Wiping it all up.
Throwing the blood filled towel and clothes in the washer.
Glad no one came home.
Glad I didn't cut too deep.
The pain is bearable on my legs.
Can't walk right, for now.
Maybe this will help me combat that inner pain.
Anything external, you know is real.
Anything internal feels like a fantasy,
Or should I say nightmare.
That was a scare and another close call.
My mom came home only an hour after.
Maybe I should tell her about
The torment, my own disaster.
I don't think she'll fully understand.
So I bottle it up inside.
Until the next time I cut myself at night...

IM Addict...

Even though we've never touched in the physical form, you've touched my heart in ways I could only dream of. With every word, we tip toe around what is to be inevitable. A life filled with unforgettable times. A romance that transcends any rhyme or reason. I've never spoke two sentences to you, but typed away until my hands cramped and formed small blisters on the tips. We've clicked on so many levels. Click after click of the mouse, the enter button, the keystrokes becoming faster in order to get off of my mind what I planned on saying once again. Then you type something that blows me off track. Delete, Del, ctrl X.

What can I say next, too long of a pause, methodically planning something idiotic to say, maybe she'll think it's funny? What was I thinking, she isn't from here. The understanding of the slang doesn't interpret well. Hmm, maybe I'll try saying this... But not sure if she understands what I said. What is this little smiley face with the tongue out? Does that mean she's teasing me, or maybe she's hungry for more. Eager to figure her out, but I think she has me pinned. When I type something, she is already analyzing it like a super computer. Looking for the the inner meaning of what I said when I said, "I like cheese grilled in between sliced bread."

Maybe it's all in my head. Even the thought we could be anymore than pin pals joking about barbecue sauce covering my face, staining my last good white t-shirt. Maybe I'm fooling myself into believing this to be something real, because I've grown tired of being lonely even when around company. Doomed to rest in this same familiar place, in front of this lame computer coming up with the same old garbage I said just recently. I want something new, something unfamiliar. I want to go into unchartered waters without a clue on how it will turn out. Expecting the worst and hoping for the best.

I am an IM Addict for you...

What if...?

Sitting at the bar watching you eye me as I glance in your direction. I can feel you piercing the back of my head with those laser blue eyes. Turn my head one more time and notice you nod your head away. I'm not afraid to play that little game. Back chatting with my friends again, but can feel you close to me, grabbing my waist wanting a hug. Could it be? As I turn around, it's her. I forgot that she was with me and back from the bathroom. Nibbling on my ear, whispering the play by play of how she's going to take my innocence away. Sitting back down right next to me, again I feel those laser blue eyes seeking another glance. I take a quick chance, look your way as an eye brow slowly creeps up with a quick smirk. Now I feel like a real jerk because I want to walk your way and flirt. But I already have a skirt to lift up at the end of the night but want a new present to unwrap. So I slowly walk away from the table and pretend to head to the little boys room all the while I walk by you smelling that fresh perfume and consume that aura you have reflecting upon me. I know you want me as much as I want you so I slowly brush your hand upon mine and give your pinkie a quick squeeze. A quick tease and the picture was painted enough for you to get a clear vision. I know I was fishing but maybe the catch was worth loosing a tuna for something tastier. Crazier, I crave a long night of raging hormones, unattached, dismissing feelings and going on sheer instinct. One blink away from going to a place where hearts race and the pace could only be described in NASCAR terms. Walking away from the bar, in my arms, the girl I stay with. Keeping your lips and soft touch in my mind wondering what if....?