Blood Lust

Grabbing the bottle of alcohol,
Razors and a towel again.
Could it just be me
Who thinks this is
The best way to get rid of the pain?
Exchanging one pain for the next.
My therapist says I'm normal.
What defines that?
Maybe I'm normal because
I keep telling him what he wants to hear.
I don't tell him how I really feel.
All because of fear.

Why doesn't she call?
She doesn't even recognize me anymore.
Don't ignore me!!!
I know you hear me.
I SAID I KNOW YOU HEAR ME!
Why do you fear me?
Is it because I'm slightly off my rocker?
Am I crazy?
You know you want to say that.
Am I fat!?!
Do I no longer possess
The qualities you desire in a man?
What the fuck were they to begin with?
I don't even think you know!
Fuck it.

All these questions come
To my head as I look into the bathroom mirror.
Razors and alcohol help to make it clearer.
I love the pleasure I get from the pain.
Just afraid to cut too deep.
While dropping these jeans down,
Couldn't help but keep thinking.
This pain is running deep.
The tears flowing like rain.
Knowing you shall never love me again.
The pulses in my brain are real.
The shaking and nervousness
To get rid of it is real.
Looking at my inner thigh.
Looking at all the cuts before these.
Opening up old wounds hoping they shall never heal.

With this razor I cut.
Help me stop thinking
About that fucking slut.
With this razor I slash.
Fuck that bitch,
I need to put that shit in the past...
Feeling temporarily paralyzed.
Oh the rush of...
It's getting closer.
I can only think of one thing now.
How to stop the bleeding.
Grab the alcohol you idiot.
Dropping to the floor.
The blood won't stop.
The pain I need some more.
Pausing...
Getting a grip of what was done.
Reaching out for that damn alcohol.
I need that sting.
I need that for this fucking bleeding.

The calm cool feeling
From the alcohol soothes the wound.
Yet it stings.
Yes, for this moment in my life.
I forget.
I forget why I did this.
All that is on the mind
Is how to stop the bleeding.
Will anyone find out?
God I hope not.
Let this be my secret.
No one needs to know what's wrong with me.
I think I went too deep.
Hoping I don't need surgery.
It might need stitches.
Did the razor hit an artery?
Maybe something major?

Laying on the cold, cold bathroom floor.
The pain is bearable and actually feels good.
Fetal position for a moment, while I catch my breath.
Fuck that bitch, this is the only pain
I want to feel that is next to death.
Maybe I'll call her.
Maybe she'll forgive me.
Reaching for the razor again
Because the bleeding stopped.
Once again on the left inner thigh.
Argh, that shit really fuckin hurt.
Why?
Stop that shit.
The blood begins to spurt.
What did I hit?
Throw some more alcohol on it.
Maybe it'll stop the bleeding.
In my own pool of blood,
Hoping to stop my bleeding heart.
Bleed that shit out.
Bleed that shit out!
BLEED THAT SHIT OUT!!!

Leaving the scene as if nothing happened.
Wiping it all up.
Throwing the blood filled towel and clothes in the washer.
Glad no one came home.
Glad I didn't cut too deep.
The pain is bearable on my legs.
Can't walk right, for now.
Maybe this will help me combat that inner pain.
Anything external, you know is real.
Anything internal feels like a fantasy,
Or should I say nightmare.
That was a scare and another close call.
My mom came home only an hour after.
Maybe I should tell her about
The torment, my own disaster.
I don't think she'll fully understand.
So I bottle it up inside.
Until the next time I cut myself at night...